People often think sympathy and empathy are the same thing without realising they are very different concepts.
Sympathy is an expression of care or concern for someone. In contrast, empathy is the ability to understand and feel the emotion of the other person. When you empathise, you understand the other person’s perspectives, predicament and share their emotions. According to Brené Brown, empathy fuels connection where as sympathy drives disconnection.
A while ago, I was on a coaching call with a Doctor. Let’s call him Sam for confidentiality. Sam asked me whether I had any phrases he could use to be more empathetic. He didn’t know how to show empathy. This is a common problem I have observed among some doctors.
Sympathy may be appropriate in certain situations but tend to be expressed in surface level conversation. If an acquaintance suffered a loss, expressing sympathy is a polite thing to do.
People might say
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“I’m really sorry for your loss!”
When someone says I’m sorry to hear that it is often uttered in a transactional exchange. Moreover, the phrase doesn’t fulfil essential components to demonstrate empathy.
Emotional and cognitive empathy
To demonstrate empathy, it’s helpful to understand
- Humans feel a need be heard.
- Humans wants to be understood.
- Humans need to feel someone can relate to their experience
People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou
Imagine a doctor consults Mr Smith who presents with severe abdominal pain.
Doctor replies “I’m sorry to hear that” followed by an unrelated question “Who is at home with you?”
If you were in Mr Smith’s shoes would you feel heard, understood or that the doctor related to your pain?
Instead of “I’m sorry to hear that” a statement that reflects to the patient you can almost feel his pain would be more empatheric.
Doctor replies “I can see this abdominal pain is awful Mr Smith. Has it stopped you from doing anything?”
This empathetic response enables the patient and doctor to connect at a much deeper level than the first reply. The follow-up question offers the patient an opportunity to talk about the impact of the pain.
Trying to use stock phrase to demonstrate empathy won’t be effective if you don’t mean what you say. You ought to be congruent with your emotions.
People can easily pick up if someone is not being genuinely empathetic. The way you express yourself is as important as what words you use.
How to convey empathy without words?
Let’s imagine someone you know lost his dad. You give that person a hug. The proximity and touch communicate to the other person you share their emotions without the need for any verbal communication.
So, I asked Sam if a family member were in severe pain, would you need a stock phrases to know what to day?
When I saw Sam laughed I knew he understood empathy is not about what phrases to use but it’s about conveying what he naturally feels to another human being he cared deeply.
